Saturday, February 19, 2011

It's my birthday!

Well, I have made it to forty nine.
I laughed when someone congratulated me on my birthday last evening.
As I reflected on the gutteral laughter her comment caused to me. I realized how so very appropriate the response was for me.
I feel a sense of a need to be congratulated-as if it is a milestone-on my birthday.
In a way, being a cancer patient frames birthdays in this manner.
It is also a time to reflect on being given a year.
So, this is the beginning of my 49th year on earth, and I would like it to count in deep and abiding ways as I approach 50 a day at a time.
Big sigh.
I wrote my mother this morning, and remember a poem she had once inserted into a card to me during "my frowning" years.
"What sunshine is to the flowers
Smiles are to humanity
They are but trifle to be sure
But scattered along life's pathways
The good they do is inconceivable"
I have never forgotten that poem, and it seems appropriate to remember it today on my first birthday celebrated post chemo treatment!
I plan to smile more this year.
Worry less.
Live better.
Love more.
Stay kind-hearted.
Believe deeper.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Eve of My Parent's Wedding Anniversary

I just had a wonderful weekend celebrating my dear friend's fiftieth birthday. Sharing, eating, drinking champagne, and remembering times when we all were 20 something. Laughing and enjoying were the main themes of the evening.
Being able to stay up really late and talking with two longtime friends was a gift.

Nearing fifty myself, I am grateful, so grateful, for this freedom I feel to live forward. I worry less. Ironic, in a way, now, I have more to worry about, but somehow this experience with cancer has brought me to a place of "less worry". I feel so utterly in the hands of God, that I cannot really stay worried for too long. His presence fills the gaping holes that widen when I worry. So, thankfully, worry never seems to last too long. Beside, what does "worry" really ever change? I have learned this the hard way. Seems like most of my life's lessons have come along like this. However, post cancer lessons are coming at a much quieter and softer pace. I believe I have slowed down enough to hear those lessons be whispered to me as I see them unfold.

My parents will have been married 50 something years tomorrow. They wed in 1958. The loyalty for each other and the family they birthed holds them together securely. I am grateful for these two people-my parents.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Day 2 towards turning 49

February marks my birthday month. A birthday this year seems quite significant to me. There were several moments over these past two years that I didn't think I'd make it to 49.
Now, I am reframing my diagnosis, and learning how to live forward.
It is challenging not to be in the fear or mistrust, but for today I choose to trust God, and not lean on my own understanding of all this.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

February 1, 2011 Blogging Again

Well, intentions are good, but....I have not been able to keep up with the blogging.
I am at my post three month after 18 months of chemo treatment point.
I went to see Dr. "C" yesterday to get the results from my CT scan.
C-L-E-A-R! I appreciate knowing that information.
I waited with 40% anxiety from Sunday to Monday when my appointment was scheduled.
It manifested with a restless sleep, and a state of discombobulation internally. It was weird, but I got through it, and come April for the next three month check up-I know what to expect, but then again, with a cancer diagnosis-do I really know what to "expect"?
As I was finishing the Avastin treatment in October 2010, after being encouraged to "hold off" on removing the power port in my right side of my chest, I humorously (but seriously) scolded my oncologist about feeling like the whole team of doctors are just waiting for this ovarian cancer that had previously invaded my ovaries and fallopian tubes and my stomach lining called something that begins with the letter "O" to creepily come back...
I insisted that my power port be removed in November, and that was granted to respect my psychological need to say "enough".
I rely on Proverbs 3:5-6
The Lord spoke to me through this scripture many many months ago. In my darkest moments with dealing with this diagnosis I meditate on His word. He reminds me...
"Mary-Margaret, trust Me with all your heart. Do not lean on the knowledge of doctors. Do not lean on your fears, Acknowledge Me, Mary-Margaret. My Name. My Power. My Strength. My Love. I promised to direct your path and I have. This is the path I have led you to follow. Trust Me."